Landing Page Makeover Clinic #29:

Landing Page Makeover Clinic #29:

Reader Comments (51)

  1. Hey Roberta,

    I just love The Makeover Clinic series. I learn so much from it. It is almost like purchasing a what not to do course on landing pages. Great job dissecting this page. I know Baolin is going to be excited after this review.

    Have a great weekend…

  2. Headline, headline, and more headline… The current one is about a paragraph long. I would try and get it under 14 words that really hit home and tell people how they can get fit while working, saving time and money from teh gym.

    Second, I would dump the “we’re only selling 25 copies” line. People don’t believe it at all, especially with e-books. What if your had 800 people come to your site? Would you turn them all away until next week? Probably not.

    I would also suggest working on the header graphic a little, making it more professional. There is a TON of competition for the “get fit at work” niche, so you are going to have to be on your game in order to claim some customers.

    Roberta, this is probably my favorite out of all your critiques! Great work. I know that I have picked up a few tips from you for my own products.

    -Joshua Black
    The Underdog Millionaire

    • Agree that the scarcity element doesn’t work for this one — as you & Shane both pointed out, there’s no reason given for it, and it’s not credible.

      Also, if you’re going to use scarcity (which is important and I do think should be a component of most offers), don’t bury it! The whole point is to light a fire, so don’t have it be an “oh, by the way.”

  3. Hey Roberta… great Makeover!

    I found this post very useful.. The part about identifying your target market right toff the bat I think is very important, since you want them to read the headline and say “hey, this is for me” and continue down the page.

    I’ll be using these tips for my next product release..


  4. Roberta,

    I counted 17 proofreading errors on the page. Credibility…GONE!

    Besides that, why does he have a limitation on an electronic product? He doesn’t say why, so it makes no sense.


  5. Thanks everyone, as always, for the kind comments.
    @Shane, proofreading is always a given in my mind. Hence it’s not top of mind when doing a makeover – but it probably should be.

    Artificial limits that are obviously artificial undercut credibility. Don’t do it, kids. Back away. Back far away.

    • @Roberta: I know for certain you value it. I just wanted to tell Baolin this could account for a huge portion of his bounce rate. Every proofing error is like a speedbump knocking the prospect out of his “yes-I’ll-buy” trance.


  6. Roberta,
    This is the first I’ve seen of the Makeover Clinics – fantastic idea. Very thorough review and actionable ideas.

    I liked how you drilled right down to the pain point at the very beginning; it’s so critical.

    I’m sold – I’m a recent subscriber, but now I’m a regular reader!


  7. Roberta,

    This is very well done and incredibly helpful. If I had the money, I would definitely hire you for a landing page makeover. Thanks for the free versions that we can all learn from.


  8. These are great tips, but there are a few that I’d like to add…

    1) Weak Design – It looks like a $2 template. No credibility here. As the site stands right now – there are words that go outside of the template and into the background. Boo.

    2) Bad Graphics – The only graphic is a goofy before/after where you can’t even tell if the guy has lost weight or not – it just shows him in casual clothes and then in workout clothes. Whoopty doo. (I like the ebook graphic though)

    3) Poor Writing – Forget the poor copywriting, this is just purely poor writing. Even after your suggestions. I mean, if you read this at the top of the page – will you really read on? –> “Dear Wish I could be leaner, more tone, but who in the world…” More tone?

    4) Brutal Urgency – You only have 10 copies available this week? Really? It’s an ebook and this just sounds like a weak and cheesy attempt to create urgency. I will not kick myself later for not being one of the first 10 buyers this week. You know why? Because you’ll sell it to me anyways. Yeah right you’re going to make me wait when you could have a sure sale right now. That’d just be a dumb business decision on your part.

    I don’t mean to be negative to Baolin, but I think it’s important for him to hear what people might think when they land on his page. I’d hate it if I never received honest criticism and thought everything was great – because that ‘politeness’ could be killing my sales. Being brutally honest in this situation is actually the polite thing to do.

    • Those are good points, although I’m not convinced a cheap template actually suppresses results. But you’re right — things have to be executed in a credible way, even if the design is very simple.

      Also agree that the before and after images should be more dramatic. Baolin, I bet there’s a really embarrassing pic of you out there somewhere. 🙂 (Try Facebook, that’s where all the absolute worst pictures of me seem to end up. Ugh.)

  9. Excellent! I love seeing all the nuances of how small changes can have such big effects. I learn best by example and the Makeover Clinics are always such a great way to do that.

    #7 is so important. In trying to drive home a point it’s good to tell your story but like a good director, lots of good stuff has to be left on the cutting floor. It’s is easy to forget that one.

    Thanks for another great Makeover!

  10. @Chad, I think it’s important to balance how copywriting pros will look at a promotion and how the average buyer would look at that very same promotion. I tend to spend a little more time having participants think about their prospective buyers more. My philosophy is that when you hit the sweet spot, the rest will logically follow. I’ve spent way too much time in “Product Ready to Launch – Let’s Find a Market” to think otherwise.

    I also try to limit myself to 10 cogent points. You’ve added a few more, thank you!

    • For sure Roberta. Seriously, every point you mentioned is extremely valuable…and applicable to ANY sales page which is why it’s so great.

      I just can’t imaging “going live” with a design when the words exit the frame and go into the background. Sometimes fixing the little things can have an effect too.

      But you’re right – you gotta fix the big things first, such as learning about your prospect and speaking directly to him/her.

  11. I’m reading the comments right now and it looks like there are still things I have to change. It’s a lot better since Roberta Looked at it. The comments for sure will help me improve me page even further.

    • Yes, since you first contacted me, you’ve made some excellent progress. But as a marketer you can see that there’s always more you can do – and should do – to maximize your efforts.

    • Depends, Tito. If you’re looking to sell a product/service … or build a mailing list … or promote a webinar … or other specific task/activity, you just might. If you’re not and you’re just looking to provide an informational experience for your site visitor’s, then maybe not.

      • Thanks Roberta!
        I think I understand what you mean. Landing pages serves as lead generation tools for specific products/services. Will definitely be needing one in the nearest future and be sure I would check up on then, 🙂

        Right now, I’m focusing more on creating quality contents that will attract and keep a growing community of entrepreneurs. Thanks once again for your feedback.

  12. I have to agree with Chad on the design here. I’m a writer and words are extremely important to me. But I’m also a person living in 2010. Packaging is very important. First impressions are killer.

    I would take one look at the page and not even bother reading it because it looks “spammy” and “gimmicky”…like every other “get rich quick” or “get thin quick” or “pyramid marketing scheme” website that I’ve seen floating around the internet since 1994.

    It is possible to find more attractive templates and stock photos that don’t scream “scam artist” (not saying that this IS that kind of program, but it looks that way right now with the current design).

    The things that strike me as “spammy” are:
    * bolded text, red text, exclamation points
    * fake quotes — putting words in the readers’ mouths
    * huge, long page with the gimmicky e-book picture
    * unprofessional photos
    * generic stock images
    * infomercial text

    Yes, I realize this describes what every copywriter is probably told they should do. (At least it looks like all the junk mail I get in my mailbox and inbox.) I think customers are a lot more savvy than they’re given credit for.

    Advertising copy needs to be much more subtle and artful, as do the graphics and pictures.

        • I would look into some design blogs for resources. DesignShack comes to mind. Maybe you know some freelance graphic designers? Or check out some other templates. I don’t know what platform you used to make your site, but I can tell you from my experience that I had great success with WordPress and then WooThemes (who make professional templates). You can even get some WooThemes templates for free. (No, I’m not compensated by recommending them.)

          So…look into some professionally designed templates for your site and go from there. (Also, just to let you know, I’m not officially a professional “copywriter.” I just have some opinions about websites. 🙂 )

          • Thanks….

            According to what people are saying, I could use a better banner/ecover/ebook cover design since the one I have is “too gimmicky”

            I’ve already deleted the whole “scarcity” thing I was taught to do, since according to the comments, it’s going to hurt my credibility.

            I could find some better before/after shots

            I could also look into some better design templates

            For now, I’m going to start with the banner.

            I’m looking into getting another banner setup for me so it won’t look so “generic” and “scam artist” like.

    • This is actually a complicated topic. Keep in mind what you said — “It looks like everything else I get.” And that’s because a lot of those elements have been tested and tested and they work better, even if they aren’t pretty. (Bold text, red headlines, a very long page.)

      There’s a balance to be struck. Professionalism is good. A clean look that conveys competence is good. But it’s surprising how often very “designed” sites that look fabulous don’t convert well.

      Our Scribe page, as you pointed out, balances both. It’s not created to win design awards. It’s clean, clear, and straightforward — the focus is on the information, not the design. But it is professional looking, it doesn’t look fly-by-night or shoddy.

      (To keep the focus on Baolin, I think that a more professional design would probably help his bounce rate, right now I think people are scooting quickly away because the page design seems like it could be something kind of dodgy. But I would also suggest that he stick with a simple, clean design rather than something that might look amazing but will distract customers from making that purchase.)

  13. My 3 take aways are:
    1. Connect at the pain
    2. Show how their world will be different
    3. Have a simple, sticky story that connects at the values

    Bonus — rapport is when you can complete the conversation in your customer’s head.

  14. I think the first point (about being clear about the product you’re selling) is the most important one.

    Coming to a website that has a clear sales goal is refreshing. If I’m interested in the product, I’ll be interested in the stories. If I’m not I can move on.

    Site owners should like that too. They should seek more to engage the people that are interested in their products, sell to the believers… It’s difficult to sell to people who are not interested…

  15. Even of more value to me beyond the specific suggestions for fixes is the WAY you analyzed the elements. This allows a reader to learn the self-editing POV. ‘Teach a man to fish’… Good work.

    • Testing a shorter vs longer headline would definitely be a recommendation – it’s always surprising to some when the longer outpulls!

      And likewise on the New Year wishes, Jodi – right back at ya.

  16. Thanks Roberta. I am just starting out and I am confident those ten points will serve me well when I launch my first product.

    Kind regards.


  17. Roberta, I really enjoy learning more about copy writing! And this really pulled it off great. I enjoyed learning about how to make over a landing page. You did a beautiful job writing this article and it was a great help!

    Thank you and hope you have a great week 🙂


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